Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
