I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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