This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
