Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
