Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
