You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
