I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
