I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Still dying that you shit outside
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
