My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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