U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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