dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
