I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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