Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
