I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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