I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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