i just wanna soil my oats bro
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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