You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
