My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
if only i could text you this smell
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
