wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm getting married
To pizza
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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