Umm I'm too high to move.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
