I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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