I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
