In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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