I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
