3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
