So drunk its hurt
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
