I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
