The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Operation Purity has been aborted
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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