I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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