I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
