you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
