im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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