literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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