Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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