You just made me feel so damn special
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
