Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
