well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
