Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
