Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
