Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
