we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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