I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
