i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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