I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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