We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
