i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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