Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
