WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
