You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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