the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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