You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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