Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
